5 Ways to Drastically Improve Your Dating Life
Ladies, this isn’t exactly a news flash: dating is HARD WORK. It can be draining, disappointing, and sometimes truly evil. We’ve all thought about throwing in the towel a few times, but My Girls are not quitters! We all have some horror stories from the dating world. (Light up our comment section below to let out the best of the worst. Let’s laugh, cry and most importantly--commiserate.) But ladies-- where is the handbook?! Who will save us from kissing so many frogs, and finally catapult us into the arms of our soulmates? Listen. We’ve said it before and we’ll say it again: My Girl has always got your back. We’ve taken matters into our own hands and located a professional to show us the way; let’s see what dating coach Valerie Adams has to say to enlighten us!
Here are 5 things we might be doing wrong in the dating world.
#1 GROUND WORK
Problem: You have no idea what you want.
Solution: Why do you want to be in your dream relationship? Is there a meaningful purpose attached to your desire? What will improve in your life once you are in a committed relationship with your partner? What feelings are you anticipating once your person is in your life? Visualize spending Friday nights in together, cooking new recipes, spending the holidays with each other’s families, going on double dates with your favorite couples. What will having a healthy relationship add to the quality of your life?
- Spend about 10 minutes closing your eyes and visualize the version of you ALREADY in her dream relationship. How does she feel? What are her thoughts? What words does she say? How does she show up in the world? What does she think about herself? How does she care for herself?
- Grab a journal. Jot down what came up for you during this visualization. Do you like what you saw? Do you feel ready for a serious partnership, or is there more growth to be done on your own before you commit?
Problem: You haven’t set standards, and if you have, you aren’t sticking to them.
Solution: Decide what you are (and are not) available for. Set non-negotiables. Since dating you is the ultimate privilege (say it with me!), what does a partner have to do to earn your time?
When we lower our standards, we don’t end up with what we need.
Work out (with yourself) how you desire to be treated during the dating process and in a committed relationship. Time is precious; who are you giving yours to?
Be willing to share your boundaries, and let somebody go if they are not willing to respect them. If this is new for you, this will be difficult at first. Trust yourself, and know that it becomes easier every time. Your perfect partner exists, but you won’t find them if you’re giving someone who doesn’t fulfill you the benefit of every doubt.
Make a list of all of the things that you value most in a partnership. Your clarity will attract compatibility. Say goodbye to the “kinda, sorta, maybe” men you’ve attracted in the past. Serious inquiries only, please!
- Someone who prioritizes our relationship.
- Somebody who treats me with respect.
- Somebody whose actions match their words.
- Somebody who is transparent about their feelings.
- Somebody who has clear goals they are passionate about.
Not to be confused with:
- He likes to travel.
- He owns a home .
- He likes to try new restaurants.
- He has a golden retriever.
These aren’t compatibility indicators. These are cute perks.
#3 SELF- WORTH
Problem: You feel unworthy of your dream partner (and you think there’s evidence to prove it).
- I haven’t been in a real relationship for 3 years; it can and will happen for everyone else but me.
- I’m not lovable; I don't deserve love
- I’ve never been in a committed relationship; nobody will want to marry me.
- My ex cheated on me; all men will cheat on me.
- All guys on dating apps just want to hook up; they don’t want to commit to me.
Solution: Your assumptions will take some (extremely necessary) un-learning. Flip the script. Find a way to focus on what you want to happen rather than what you fear.
Action: Acknowledge the beliefs that cause you to feel anything but joyful, excited, empowered, and confident. Find evidence to disprove them, and create new beliefs that feel good.
The most important thing you can do is to align your mindset with the reality you want to attract. Taking action only goes so far; if you’re saying yes to dates but then telling yourself, “I don’t think this will work out, he will probably ghost me” that’s no bueno. Be positive. Manifest positivity.
Problem: You aren’t setting boundaries once you do meet somebody you are interested in.
Solution: Decide which privileges come with a commitment. The person who gets to see you spontaneously and know that you are not dating other contenders is the person who has asked for a commitment, and you’ve obliged.
Grab that journal again. Write out an ideal scenario of how you want to be treated when being pursued by your ideal partner, before you commit.
Think: How often do they check in? What type of dates are they planning for us? How will they show their interest? How far in advance are they asking to see me? What do I need in order to feel secure in where things are headed?
Make a decision: if a person is not honoring your boundaries, it’s okay to let them know. If they don’t change their behavior, it’s okay to let them go. Create space for better compatibility.
Problem: You’re writing potential partners off after the first date because you didn’t feel immediate “chemistry.”
Solution: Re-learn that first dates should be more like a “first meeting”. You’re both figuring out if there could be chemistry. Let go of the idea that you need to have instant, fiery attraction; chemistry will grow as you open up and learn one another.
Action: Go on the first meeting with an open mind. Decide what your 1st date deal breakers are, and if you see them, say goodbye! If you go on a date with somebody you could potentially see a future with but don’t feel it yet, open yourself up for a potentially pleasant surprise. See how they follow up and if they treat you respectfully. Trust and attraction tend to grow at similar rates.
If, after reading this, you think maybe you’re not ready for this amount of work or commitment, that’s okay! You have years ahead of you, continue learning yourself and figuring out what you want and need. The better you know yourself, the more confident you’ll feel, making this process so much easier down the line.
If you are ready, good luck! Recognize your power and stay true to yourself. We’re here in your corner, always cheering you on.
Oh, and if you can't get enough of our girl Val, you can head to her free guide to learn out the 7 Things to do Daily To Attract Your Dream Partner.