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Victoria, BC V8W 1V7

Mon-Fri, 9am-5pm

Get Confident With Communication In The Bedroom
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Get Confident With Communication In The Bedroom

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Some of the ingredients to a wonderful sex life is building sexual confidence and using that sexual self-confidence to enhance sexual communication and get your needs met in the bedroom. I place a lot of importance on these aspects of everyone’s sexual wellness journey because they’re underrated topics within the discussion of human sexuality as a whole.

As a woman especially, the sex education and general conversations pertaining to female sexuality were heavily focused on the male perspective, placing women in a passive role and not taking into account what I may feel pleasurable, how to find out for myself or how to communicate those needs to others. This affected my sexual confidence growing up because I always felt like there weren’t enough resources for me that taught me how to own my body and take charge of my pleasure.

According to an online survey conducted by euroClinix, one in 10 women reported feeling self-conscious in the bedroom. And it shouldn’t have to be this way. 

Though I was never taught about how to own my sexuality, I’ve done a number of things to explore my sexual confidence. First, I grabbed a mirror and admired the way my vulva looks for the first time as a senior in high school. I did so to assure myself that my anatomy was normal amid all the negative projections our society places on vulvar genitalia. Second, I un-learned my shame surrounding masturbation by deciding that I wouldn’t feel awkward or wrong about it. Self-pleasure not only became a tool for self-care, but a mechanism to empower myself and reclaim my body, knowing that the sex education I received in school taught me that my body did not belong to me, rather to my husband’s. Masturbation also allowed me to explore my body and figure out different rhythms and motions to stimulate specific pleasure spots.

Now that we’ve covered some ways to increase sexual confidence, here are ways to use your sexual confidence to effectively communicate your sexual needs with a partner as well: 

The Casual Approach

Let's say you and your partner are in a setting that has nothing to do with the bedroom. It could be during a dinner date or just taking a stroll through the park. If you're initiating the conversation about what you like then you can bring up your desires by bringing up specific examples from shared experiences. If you're initiating a conversation to ask your partner what they enjoy in bed then you can use the same approach.

Example: "You know how I had you bent over the kitchen counter last night? Am I hitting the right spot in that angle or does it feel better to be bent over at a lower angle, like on the bed instead?"

Sometimes being in a setting outside of the bedroom helps people feel more relaxed when communicating their needs because there isn't as much pressure involved. It genuinely feels more like any average conversation you'll have. 

The “Haha jk... unless?” approach

No matter how long you've been sleeping with someone, there may still be sexual acts that you're not 100 percent sure they'd be interested in doing. Besides, there are many aspects to sexuality that are still considered taboo to this day. If there's something you're curious about trying, but you're not sure how to bring it up, lighten up the mood with a bit of humor.

Example: "What if I wanted to spit in your mouth during sex haha jk... unless?"

The visual approach

If you've ever come up with a sexual idea based on inspiration from what you've seen on television, movies, or even porn, then this approach is for you. If you're watching a sexually charged movie then point out the parts you'd like to replicate or make note of the parts that remind you of the way you and your partner have sex. If you watch porn and some of your favorite videos make you think of your partner then send it to them through text one day and let them know what similarities you see between the video and your sex life.

The Reality TV judge approach

This one is simple, but not recommended for the faint at heart. Record the two of you having sex (with explicit consent beforehand, of course) and then watch the video afterward and critique it the same way a Reality TV judge from "The X Factor" or "America's Next Top Model" would give feedback to the contestants. Don't critique in a way that'll cause a heated argument, but still be honest.

Example: "You see me squinting my eyes right there? I'm not even gonna lie. It hurt a little when you played with my nipples like that. Do you mind being lighter with my boobs from now on? They're super-sensitive."

And most importantly, don't forget to hype each other up! If there was a certain move that drove you crazy in the best way possible then let your partner know that.

Example: "The way that you flicked your tongue like that was PERFECT."

The mutual masturbation approach

You can tell a lot about what makes someone climax by the way they please themselves. Take the time to masturbate beside or in front of each other so you can get an idea of their sweet spots, motions, rhythms, etc. so you can mimic that when the two of you are having sex with each other.

Example: If one of you masturbates while lying on your stomach then have your partner place one hand right below your vulva while they're on top of you in a modified doggy position so that the residual motion of their thrusting creates friction between your vulva and their hand, therefore, stimulating your clitoris and labia, in the same manner, it would if you were masturbating on your stomach.

The blunt approach

Let them know exactly what you want and when you want it when you realize it. At least that way you'll never have them guessing about how things are going between the two of you sexually because you're straight to the point.

Overall, building sexual confidence and using that confidence to foster better sexual communication takes time. Depending on one’s background or personal hang-ups about sex, it can be anxiety-inducing to let yourself relax and own your sexual journey. 

But if anything, enhancing sexual confidence and sexual communication provides more strength to one’s outlook in their body and intimacy in their relationship with others.