Your Top 9 Relationship & Breakup Questions, Answered.
Cheers to kicking off our very first My Girl Support Series! We've all got struggles whether we like to admit it or not. Sometimes opening up about them is challenging, especially when we are worried about being judged or given biased feedback from the ones closest to us. Twice a month, you'll have the opportunity to send in any & ALL questions you're in need of help with & we'll get them answered by experts in that field. So here we go!
Relationships are hard work. Breakups are even harder. The good news is, My Girl's here to help you - every step of the way. You sent in your anonymous questions & we asked our expert break up coach, Kendra to dish up some professional, un-biased answers.
1. Q: Do you have any advice for being the only single friend? I love being single and am happy but it can still be hard.
A: Don’t forget that you’re allowed to be super happy for your friends and be a little bummed that everyone is in relationships. We can often judge ourselves for feeling anything but happy for our friends and it can create separation. Also don’t forget that friends in relationships still love girls nights and girls trips, just because someone is in a relationship, don’t rule them out for weekend plans. Lastly, this is also an opportunity to expand your friendship circle and meet other single friends too, it’s always nice to have friends at the same life stage as you.
2. Q: How do I get over a guy that clearly doesn’t give a sh*t about me?
A: You get over this person by giving a sh*t about YOU. The best way to let go of someone who hasn’t treated you well is to treat yourself extraordinarily well. This means how you talk to yourself and the actions you take on a daily basis. For example, taking good care of your space, cooking for yourself, practicing affirmations, etc. Once you start treating yourself with the love and respect you deserve you will no longer tolerate anyone in your life who doesn’t treat you the same way.
3. Q: I’m 6 weeks out from ending a 3 year relationship and I feel regret... Do I just miss him?
A: It is SO normal to feel regret after ending a relationship. Once the break up really hits you’ll start feeling uncomfortable in some of the feelings you need to process and the loneliness might hit. These feelings DO NOT mean that you made the wrong decision, they are just a natural part of the grieving process. Try reminding yourself why you broke up with them in the first place and lean on your friends and support system a little more so you don’t feel that loneliness all the time.
4. Q: Advice for getting over and finally stop talking to a guy that’s stringing me along?
A: Write down what you want in a long term partner, get really detailed. How do they treat you? How do they make you feel? How do they show they love and respect you? Then compare that list to the guy that’s stringing you along. My guess is the lists do not line up and this can be enough to give you the reality check that you deserve a lot more than breadcrumbs.
5. Q: My boyfriend is consistently “liking” pictures of his women “friends” that are revealing/half naked.
A: If this is something that bothers you, then it’s absolutely worth communicating it to your boyfriend and letting him know how it makes you feel. Approach the conversation using sentences like “When you like those photos, it makes me feel ______” Try not to do it in an accusatory way and stick to how it makes you feel. My guess is once he hears that it’s hurting you, it will stop. If he gets defensive or if he continues to do it after knowing it’s hurting you then it might be something to take a closer look at.
6. Q: How do I stop obsessing over an ex? Why is it so hard to move on?
A: The first thing to ask yourself is: are you surrounding yourself with reminders of your ex? Are you still following them on social media, listening to “your songs”, have pictures of them readily available on your phone? When you’re trying to let go of someone you need to detox those reminders from your life in the beginning so you can get used to the idea of being without them. The second thing to keep in mind is every time you find yourself obsessing over your ex, turn the thought around and think about YOU. Ask yourself “how am I feeling? do I need anything right now?” we tend to focus on exes during a break up because we don’t want to feel the feelings going on within us.
7. Q: Why do I feel so anxious when I’m not with my boyfriend? Any tips for working through this?
A: Feeling anxious anytime you’re not with a partner can be indication of an anxious attachment style. Attachment styles stem from childhood and are usually reinforced in early relationships, but that doesn’t mean you are doomed anytime your boyfriend is not around! Grounding practices to remind you that you are safe when you’re on your own can really help, repeating things to yourself like “I am safe” can remind you that these thoughts aren’t necessarily real. I would also recommend journaling out your thoughts to take some of the power out of it, looking at the facts of the situation (meaning how your boyfriend shows they care), and having some friends you feel safe with to work through some of the feelings and to comfort you so this doesn’t all fall on your partner. Also recommend reading the book Attached by Amir Levine.
8. Q: Can you make a relationship work with someone who lives a different, less balanced life?
A: I’d say this depends a lot on your values and what you want out of a relationship. If you’re someone who is really active, but you’re completely happy working out or doing hikes on your own- then yes it’s ok if you’re with someone opposite. However, if you’re someone who loves to travel and you’ve always pictured having a partner who you can travel with, and they hate it- then it’s probably not going to work out. Everyone has different priorities and values in relationships and the most important thing is to ask yourself what you value in a partner, not what anyone tells you to value.
9. Q: I was never jealous until my boyfriend. How do I stop seeing other women as competition?
A: I would ask yourself where these beliefs are coming from. Are they coming from personal insecurities or old beliefs you have about yourself? Or are they coming from words or actions from your boyfriend? If you feel like they are your insecurities or beliefs you can journal about them or work with a counselor to get to the root cause so you can set yourself free from them. If they are based on things your partner is doing, then it’s worth having a conversation about how it makes you feel. At the end of the day, you’re going to end up with the person you’re meant to be with, if someone is going to “take” away your boyfriend, that’s the universe telling you you’re not meant to be with him.